i recently had an enlightening conversation with an ex of mine (a sort of kind of not really an ex- that kinda thing) — a deep conversation about our journey together. it healed something within me, and changed my perspective. we have both grown individually quite a lot since our short-lived-dumpster-fire of a time together. he was the last person i was with before i fell in love with my incredible soulmate of a boyfriend- the man i wish to marry someday. but this ex, he was so much more than just the last person before mr.right— and not in the romanticized way you may think.
we were incredibly toxic, because at our core we were two very broken people with two very sensitive hearts. the latter of which neither of us wanted to admit, or look at, or be honest about. but coming together forced us to. this excruciatingly clear mirror was held between the two of us, and it was quite an ugly sight. it was like being malnourished for years and having no access to a mirror. and then suddenly being forced to see the years of wear and tear hiding beneath the surface.
my ego was convinced that all of the healing work i had did, was done. finite. complete. in my eyes i had received my diploma on healing the childhood trauma that made me attracted to broken, emotionally unavailable, and unhealthy people.
his ego (if i may speak for him) was convinced that he had done a near perfect job at burrying the entirety of his pain as it related to love. a solution that would suffice. there was no time to work on healing, he would have to close his heart, and he figured that would be just fine.
but the closing of his heart made him disconnected, confused, and overwhelmed. somewhere inside he ached to have love and be loved, and that burden of desiring love kept slipping out like a leak you cannot seem to fix.
we both wore our coping mechanisms like the finest, most expensive botox in Beverly Hills. they were air tight, without a visible trace of botched-ness. except for with each other. every scar, every incision, was horrifically clear.
my egoic assuredness that i had healed, in turn made me vulnerable. but if i’m being honest, it also made me willfully ignorant.
i would think, “this feels eerily similar to things of the past”
but i would only dive deeper. hold on tighter.
and inevitably we crashed and burned, into a sight akin to a post-war torn country.
we crashed and burned into resentment and anger and lies and deceitfulness.
because how dare you make me look at myself.
i do not wish to change.
because the ego is terrified of change, the ego is focused on self-preservation and protection. if i continue to do what i am familiar with, i will feel safe. merely because it is familiar. and like him, some of us think, if i continue to keep my heart closed and cold, i will be safe. merely because then no one can touch it.
but also no one can open it.
if you are not willing to do something different.
needless to say, this pressure cooker of a soul-lesson changed my life. i could not shy away any longer from the broken parts of me that clinged and held to any darkness i could find. darkness was so familiar for me that it made me color blind.
but the only way to the light, would be to realize i was wired to walk towards the dark. and i’d have to become very uncomfortable, and go against the current, to pave a new path.
An Unfamiliar Heaven
and because of this deep work that became prompted and asked of me, when my now boyfriend came to me, i stayed the course.
he terrified me. he absolutely freaked me the fuck out. i did not recognize his scent, he was so unbelievably unfamiliar yet familiar all at once. he was like nothing i had ever seen before. it felt like coming face to face with an alien from a distant planet.
you are… true? you are… pure? you are… healthy? you are… everything that i have always needed but did not have the map to find.
i have never seen this before, i have never tasted this before, i have never been here before.
and i am fucking terrified.
where as in the past i was never terrified— i was more like a very, very, very dumb baby animal. fueled by pheremones and undeveloped, nonexistent instinct. if anything, i was eager to run straight into the lion’s den. and i was unknowingly, uncontrollably, hell-bent on self destruction.
nobody told me that heaven will not feel familiar when all you have known is hell.
i’ve walked only with demons, and yet here before me stood an angel.
pure, and honest. integrous and true. handcrafted by God himself. wrapped and gifted to me, God’s daughter. a gift I had to wait to see. a gift that required a long walk through dark forests and treacherous territories.
a gift i had to fight for.
because when i was a little girl, the world taught me that love is unkind. that love is unsafe. that love is something you will have and then lose and then break and then beg for.
unconditional love was not given to me with purity, it was doused with the scents of hell. it was fake, it was false. it was bio-engineered chemical love. it was heroin disguised as pure, unconditional, safe, love.
but when all you know is a lie, it is damn near impossible to find out that what you have considered as truth, is in fact a lie.
and you will have to do the work of un-brainwashing yourself. of inch by inch stripping away every single molecule of false.
so thank god, for the ones that danced in hell with me.
thank god that they were dark enough that i had no choice but to see the light.
thank god.
because when i finally made it, and the light came my way, i am so blessed to say— i accepted this brand new day. and what a miracle it is, to be loved so purely, so truly, and so earnestly. and what a gift it is to in turn love loudly, and proudly, and soundly.
this story is not placed here only for the theme of love— it is about seeing our past experiences with a birds eye perspective. being able to see how who we once were, gave us the miracles and the gifts of today.
I created The Fairy & The Moon from my own long journey of learning how to love, trust, and return to myself. Because I know how confusing and unreachable self love can feel, I wanted to share the lessons that changed my life and make them feel tangible for others.
Lessons in Self Love is the space where I offer a gentle guiding hand, helping you bring self love beyond just an idea and into the way you actually live.
Here is what lives inside the paid space each month:
🌙 The Monthly Self-Love Practice: helps you explore one meaningful theme through guided reflection, real-life practice, self-love dates, and little acts of devotion.
📓 The Monthly Guided Journal Deep Dive: A thoughtful collection of intentional journal prompts to help you explore one part of your inner life, uncover what is beneath the surface, and understand yourself more deeply.
🕯 The Mid-Month Return: A gentle letter from me in the middle of each month, helping you reconnect with yourself, return to the month’s practice, and begin again without shame or pressure.
✧ Plus seasonal Self-Love Care Packages, occasional surprise letters, and immediate access to the complete Lessons in Self Love library.
It is a steady monthly rhythm of reflection, practice, and return—created to help you build a real, loving, and trustworthy relationship with yourself.
And if you decide to join us, thank you, genuinely. It means so much to be trusted as a small part of your journey home to yourself. ♡
if you’ve found comfort, inspiration, or a little bit of magic here at The Fairy & The Moon, you might love my debut guided journal,Becoming Your Own Bestfriend.
It's a soft place to land — a beautiful space for reflection, healing, and self-discovery. Filled with thoughtful prompts and gentle guidance, it's designed to help you slow down, turn inward, and build a deeper relationship with yourself, one page at a time.
This is beautiful
Thank you for leaving the word I totes needed