how i found my inner light

a reflection on 10 years of journaling, healing, and learning to go within

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How I Found The Light Within Me

i slowed down long enough to journal tonight. journaling is one of my most sacred forms of self healing, reflection, and meditative work. if anything, it has been the core of my self love journey since the very beginning— about 10 years ago.

when i began my self love journey, i was 16 years old. bright eyed with a wide grin, although if you looked deeper, you would see the weather and exhaustion that had been tormenting me. coming to terms with a traumatizing childhood filled with abuse of every kind, i was stuck between the remnants of my scars. my scars had etched their way into my brain and created thoughts of depression, worthlessness, hopelessness, and even suicidal ideation. although it was odd, because i could not shake this optimism i had. at times it was annoying, even. a pervasive optimistic mindset, that seemed to continuously show up. it brought along with it a deep desire to live- and not just to live, but to thrive, to experience, to love, to try, to dance, to feel, to be.

and although the darkness was louder, and harsher, and better at screaming - the light was steadier, and softer, and much better at staying.

it was always there, somewhere deep within, no matter what. the only difference between my darkest days, and my brightest ones, was my awareness and willingness to go spend time tending to the light within.

and at 16 years old, i did just that. i got sober, and cut off the current abusive boyfriend (by the skin of my teeth, might i add) and i developed a devotion to going within. i was disciplined about healing because i was devoted to it.

and i traveled within, and i did it often. and i did it in many different ways. i did it by journaling for hours, detailing all of the funk and gunk and dark that needed an outlet, and channeling all of the light and truth that needed a messaging platform. i did it by having soulful, heart centered conversations with women in my life who loved me as deeply and truthfully as i loved them. i found myself in the arms of true friendship and i found the map to within in the lap of my mother and nana who wrapped me in unconditional love. i did it by the late nights and early mornings where i closed my eyes, sat upright, and turned on my extra sight. i dove into a deep and layered world within me. and i planted flowers there. i planted seeds. i watered every inch of my being that had been left unattended for so long.

and i created a home, within me, in the depths of my being. and in the center of it, was that ever-glowing, warm, safe, steady, soft light.

and the more i took time to go to this place, to notice this place, to recognize it, the easier it became.

some of the moments were hilarious. i could step back and witness as my ego threw a tantrum, screaming and kicking and clawing. i would watch. and like a soft guiding force, the light of wisdom would step in to the picture. soft, word-less, simple, quiet, yet incredibly strong.

and i would remember that i am safe, i am okay, i am able to find peace within, in this exact moment, right here right now.

How I continue to tend to my inner fire

and 10 years later, this profound work, is the same exact thing i still do to find healing today. i was 16 then, and 26 now, but like i said before, the light is much better at staying. and healing is not linear, it goes up and down and loops around and stalls and scales — but you will notice that beneath all of the cycles, there is a steady place within that is always available.

from my private journal tonight:

i can relax amidst the uncertainty, i can find serenity and peace from within my being. I can find the quiet glowing light within that is soft and steady. it has a quality of deep knowing, a sensation of quiet joy, pure confidence. i can see how it spreads through my being instead. how it reminds me that "detours" are actually opportunities for pause. they are invitations to go within, to the quiet wise place that is able to just simply

be .

this energy is sofer, quieter, and true-er. it is always there- beneath the noise. stress, anxiety, and ego are louder-disorietting even, they shout, begging to be soothed. they want more money, more answers, more pleasure-or so it seems - its all they know. what they really want is peace. and peace is not the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, it is not the feeling after 4 drinks, it is not the point of climax, it is not the runner's high, or the addict's high. it is the tiny, soft, ever glowing light within. a steady place of warmth hidden somewhere within. the only trick? you must get quiet enough to listen, you must slow down long enough to see it, and you must go within (not without) to feel it.

this little light of mine, im gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine

from my heart to yours,

Rhiana Meri

I’ll be sharing a deeper dive on this topic soon inside the Lessons in Self Love Library, where I share journaling guides, reflections, and practices for returning to yourself again and again.

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