how to befriend your fear

on the psychology of fear and how to use it to your advantage

Let Me Introduce You To My Friend, Fear

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oh how misunderstood my friend fear is. we have spent many nights chit-chatting (fear and i) and i’d like to tell you all about it.

i want you to think about the feeling you have before you go on a job interview, or post something on substack, or go on a date. that feeling right there. let’s sit with it. its fear, right? maybe with a dollop of anticipation. can you hear the thoughts? “what if they don’t like me, what if it goes terrible, what if i dont get the job, what if, what if, what if, what if?”

fear shows up to highlight our deepest desires.

fear says “hello” when there is something we really, really care about.

we can break it down like this:

the thing: an exciting job interview

the feeling: our friend fear

the desire underneath: “i really, really care about this interview. it would be amazing to get hired, and i can’t help but feel hopeful. i think i would feel a little sad if i didn’t get it. because i really, really want it.”

i consider fear a very close friend of mine. she has an incredibly odd approach BUT she helps me see what the things i deeply care about and desire are. fear only shows up when something matters. much like how anger shows up to let us know when our boundaries have been crossed (but thats a piece for another time.) when fear comes up before i do something, i know it means its go time.

fear is a green light, not a stop sign.

*✧･ﾟ

The Fear of Being Seen

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let’s break down the fear of being seen. together, you and me.

there is a very deep intimacy to being truly, authentically seen and witnessed. my girl friends and i often say “seen, heard” when we share something vulnerable with each other. to be truly seen and heard indicates a level of vulnerability. it means putting a piece of yourself out there and then having no control over what happens next. that is the scary part. right there! did you catch it? having no control over what happens next. the most human thing in the world… feeling uncomfortable with the unknown.

so how do we heal this?

1. first, we need a strong relationship with ourselves characterized by depth and vulnerability

2. we must love ourselves enough to want to share and speak our truth

3. we learn to surrender control, and hold ourselves lovingly if feelings arise.

it looks like this:

“i love and honor myself so much that i am excited and proud to share my truth. i know that vulnerability is a superpower that will create ripples. when i share pieces of myself, a part of my soul sings. i let go of the need to control what happens after. if on the off chance the response is bad, hurtful, or nonexistent, i know i will be there to hold myself. i have warm tea, a bubble bath, and my favorite comfort show waiting. i will spend quality time nurturing myself after i do something “scary” and vulnerable.”

true self love would look like going after the things that we deeply desire and care about. so if fear is a spotlight on our desires, we will love ourselves enough to hear the call and take the plunge. and our self love is so deep and so full that if we need to catch ourselves on the other side, we’re waiting and ready with blankets and snacks.

when fear, ego, and resistance crop up we can see them as teachers. they have a very silly, unruly way of shedding light on the parts of us we can’t quite see clearly. sit in sacred space with these aspects. get curious. ask them why they are here. you may be surprised at the soft truth hiding behind the noise.

*✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:

Getting Vulnerable with Ourselves First

i share a lot of incredibly vulnerable and raw things. if you’ve been with me for a minute, you know a few of my darkest stories. how do i do it? the answer has to do with the quality of relationship i have created with myself. i have spent so much time privately with my own self. i have told myself these stories, just between me and me. i have held myself as i cried, i have laughed with myself, i have danced with myself, i have soothed my anxious self to sleep. we are best friends. i have seen myself in the darkest of moments, and i am SO proud of myself for getting up. when i yearn to share a vulnerable truth, fear has less of a hold, because i’ve already shared it to my own self.

you know that feeling you have about someone you love deeply? how you wish they could see themselves the way you see them? how proud and happy you feel when they accomplish something? yeah. you deserve that too.

if you want a deeper dive on creating this type of relationship through self love i invite you to read this piece of mine (and also- welcome! you’re in the right place. this is the kind of work we’re doing gently and fully through my newsletter.)

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you are uniquely you and that is an absolute superpower. we need your light, we need your darkness, we need your everything-in-between. i want you to strive to see yourself the way you see your bestfriend. and become your own bestfriend. i want you to stand on the stage and welcome the spotlight. you are so worthy of being seen. i’m here, ready to cheer you on. start with spending some really quality time with yourself. the rest will come. you aren’t truly afraid of being seen, you actually just really really want to share and be witnessed in your truth. and we can thank our friend fear for showing us that. there is no rush, there is no right way. you are safe to be exactly as you are. i love you. ❥

feel free to join my subscriber chat, we have a space to share any longer feelings or reflections from posts like this.

From my heart to yours,

Rhiana Meri

How I Became My Own Bestfriend

it took me a very long time to feel truly connected to myself. i spent many years hell-bent on running, hiding, escaping, dissociating, and disconnecting. in many ways, i was anything but my own bestfriend. i was wired to search outside to fill the growing discomfort that was deep within me. i actually was always looking for a bestfriend, and i would blend my life with other lost girls who were also driven by escapism. it wasn’t truly beautiful, magical friendship; as much as it was codependency. i would gather my happiness and my worth and place it into the hands of an emotionally unavailable teenage boy and they would tell me they loved me and i would believe them until eventually i became nothing but a shell of a person. it didn’t take long before i discovered little tablets of various colors, and bowls of green or often times a brownish-green, and water bottles filled with something strong from a friend’s parents cabinet. it didn’t make me feel better, but it helped me not feel.

and that was all i ever wanted.

to not feel.

the truth was, i was a young girl with suitcases full of trauma, and no one to help me unpack it all. it was heavy to carry around constantly. i didn’t want to open them and start the process of emptying, because i didnt know how, and that sounded terrifying. all i wanted was to just set it down for a while. and leave it behind.

we want to escape and disconnect when we don’t want to be at home within our ownselves. its okay, its human, we’ve all felt that haven’t we? but what happens when we never come home? the weeds grow, the dishes mold, the roof caves in, the list of needed repairs piles up. and we reach another turning point.

either i get started on this now.

or it will be here waiting for me later.

when i was 16, i decided to open the door, walk inside, sit down, and empty the first box carefully.

and to my surprise, in doing so i very quickly found a feeling i had searched for for years and years and years.

relief.

and in the careful emptying of all of the baggage i had pushed so far away, connection was born. connection to myself. intimacy with my own self. bonding. unconditional love bloomed. trust rooted itself. and at some point along the way, i became my very own bestfriend.

and we are bestfriends to this very day.

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I’ve also been quietly working on something very close to my heart… a guided journal I’ve been building slowly, page by page, alongside my work here on The Fairy & The moon. Becoming Your Own Best Friend: The Guided Journal was born out of the same questions we explore here: how to build a relationship with yourself, how to travel inward, how to feel safe in your own company. Sharing these sneak peeks feels vulnerable and exciting, like letting you into the creative process before it’s fully ready — because in many ways, this book exists with each and every one of you in mind.

If you’d like to be the first to know when it’s released, I’d love for you to subscribe and stay close as it makes its way into the world.

exclusive sneak peaks at my upcoming guided journal, “Becoming Your Own Bestfriend”