i have loved someone more than i loved my own health
i have loved someone more than i loved my own sanity
i have loved someone more than i loved my own purpose
i have loved someome more than i loved my own life
i have valued someone more than i valued my own self
and in the process, i stripped myself bare.
in the process of loving someone more than i loved my own self i became void of anything. void of light, void of joy, void of creativity, void of everything.
in the act of emptying myself to fill up another, i drained myself of all of me.
and the sickest part?
they took, and took, and took, and never gave any of it back.
they were full while i layed empty on the floor.
but yet i still wanted more. more of the nothingness. more of the poison.
like an addict wants their heroin.
even though they are moments away from death.
and the saddest part?
not only did they abandon me.
i abandoned myself too, and that hurt worse.
creds: hheinge art
How To Make Your Way Back Home
i’m not going to tell you to leave. im not going to tell you to begin grieving. im not going to tell you to “just get over it, they were awful.” im not going to tell you to go get underneath someone else. im not going to tell you to give enough of a fuck about yourself.
you already do.
you just think this is love.
somewhere in the past, someone taught you that unconditional love is painful. there are a million different versions of that teaching. it could’ve been emotionally unavailable mothers, abusive fathers, bullies, unsupportive coaches, codependent friendships. but somehow, someway you gathered that belief along the way.
the love we are initially drawn to is nothing more than the love that we are familiar with.
this is why when you experience healthy love for the first time, you may actually feel frightened.
the nervous system likes patterns, and the brain is wired for pattern recognition.
when you meet someone who mirrors the toxic love you were raised on, your brain goes, “Ohhhh!!!! I recognize this!!!! ding, ding, ding!!!” we think that recognition is divine, but often it is nothing more than recognition.
the fact that you love them does not mean you hate yourself, you just haven’t met yourself yet.
The First Pour Back Into Yourself
step one?
find out what story you learned about love.
become compassionate towards the you that experienced that story. drop the shame. drop the self-blame. just simply sit with yourself and be a witness. meet yourself. let him/her tell you their story.
one of the most profound acts of intimacy- is feeling understood. and that applies to the beautiful relationship that is self love.
you wouldn’t stay the night in a strangers house, or even go over for dinner, right? so don’t expect to have the motivation to save and protect someone you barely know yet.
so take yourself for coffee first. become acquainted. have deep talks. get to know one another.
you will bond overtime with yourself in a healthy, safe, way. and that love will grow. the desire to protect yourself will grow.
we will eventually get to the part where the fire re-ignites within you. where the strength, the courage, the boundaries, and the self love are a rock-solid foundation. you will one day crave, attract, and have healthy love. you absolutely will. and you might (like me) get it and say out loud “Wtf is this shit?!!?!?!?!! i have never seen this. i dont recognize you. chances are, with my track record, you’re the WORST. something is off. idk. i have never seen this before!!!!!!!!!!!”
and once you calm down, you will realize…
oh. this is what they meant when they said, “you don’t grow when you’re comfortable”
and you will realize that discomfort is very, very exciting. it means you have entered new territory. and your brain hasn’t filed this one yet. thank god. cause all it was filing before was abuse and toxicity. and it will eventually become your new pattern. you will feel appalled and grossed out by anything that does not match the way you value yourself.
“i am so ready to create a new pattern.”
“i am learning to love myself completely and totally.”
“my relationship with myself is my first priority.”
“i forgive myself.”
“i have so much compassion for the messy and unruly parts of me.”
“i want better for myself, because i value myself.
i love you so very much. and i am with you every step of the way.
from my heart to yours,
Rhiana Meri
a very special offering from my heart...
if you’ve found comfort, inspiration, or a little bit of magic here at The Fairy & The Moon, you might love my debut guided journal,Becoming Your Own Bestfriend.
It's a soft place to land — a beautiful space for reflection, healing, and self-discovery. Filled with thoughtful prompts and gentle guidance, it's designed to help you slow down, turn inward, and build a deeper relationship with yourself, one page at a time.
