if you aren't loving yourself, you are abandoning yourself
on the importance of self love, the pain of self abandonment, and the journey beyond
mini author’s note:✨we’re celebrating 1 year of the fairy & the moon ✨ to thank you for being here, we’re offering 20% off yearly subscriptions for a limited time. it’s the perfect chance to step into the living library of self-love lessons, journal prompts, and exclusive content created to help you reconnect with yourself.
if you aren’t loving yourself, you are abandoning yourself
TW: mild mention of childhood SA
it is easier to abandon yourself than it is to love yourself, and the only thing standing inbetween is awareness.
many of us have been abandoning ourselves for so long, in tiny ways, that it often goes completely unnoticed. we become accustomed to turning off our needs in the hopes of being easier, more palettable, less of a burden. we often find ourselves in familiar cycles, with familiar people, in familiar depressions. thinking, “how in the world did i find myself here again?” we learned as children that if we could stay small, and observant, and map the emotional and physical signs in the adults around us, we could prepare for catastrophe before it inevitably came. and we learned that if we positioned ourselves to be more perfect, happier, better, smarter, that maybe we could fix the adults around us.
so much of this energy and attention is focused outwards. it is like having a leak, but in your own body. all of the energy of love, care, understanding, devotion, empathy is leaking out of you.
and i ask you this, how often do you feel it is truly returned?
how long have you been letting your precious energy go to waste?
for people who will never give you the time of day?
okay okay okay i know that might’ve been so real you’re almost rolling your eyes because damn i could’ve held your hand first! well, i’ll hold your hand now. but first, will you hold mine?
i grew up in an environment that was overtaken by emotionally immature and chronically addicted adults. my homes were playgrounds of adult drug addiction, codependency, and abuse in every stretch of the term. my own father was a pedophile, and i was not spared. i learned very, very young, that the farther i could get away from myself, the safer i would be.
i abandoned myself out of sheer and necessary survival. and it worked, and it worked well. i became a master of dissociation, and it saved my life, and allowed me to continue on, until i was truly ready to face what had happened to me.
and the thing is, what has happened to you, however big or small, will always be within you, it is waiting for you to come witness it. it doesn’t dissapear or decompose or get lost in the ethers. one day, it will be a very special invitation. it will invite you to travel to the sacred place within you. you will need to witness the darkness, but once you do, the light will show itself to you.
in the careful emptying of all of the baggage i had pushed so far away, connection was born. connection to myself. intimacy with my own self. bonding. unconditional love bloomed. trust rooted itself. and at some point along the way, i became my very own bestfriend.
and there lies the magical, magnificent, life-saving journey of self love.
not self obsession, not narcissism, not being conceited, not any of that.
self love means self love. it means offering yourself true, precious, unconditional love. it means pouring into yourself with the kindness, understanding, and empathy that you so freely give others. it means sitting with yourself in presence, with compassion and actively listening to your own feelings, needs, and thoughts. it means becoming a safe, sacred place to come home to. for the rest of your life, the only thing that is sure, is that you will be going to bed with yourself and waking up with yourself every single night and day. so, it is worth your time to make the relationship with yourself one that feels safe, and calm, and loving.
let it take time. creating a bond with anyone takes quality time, patience, and presence. it is no different with our own selves. it is more than okay if this journey feels uncomfortable. the most important thing is that you decide to truly care. about yourself, about getting to know yourself. you must truly care to become your own bestfriend. why would i spend time with someone who doesn’t care to get to know me truly and deeply? there is no perfect timeline, there is no rush, there is no right way. there is only the ever unfolding process of becoming. we become our own best friend, and it is one of the greatest journeys you will ever go on.
all you need to begin this journey right now:
take time today or tonight, to sit down with yourself, and either out loud or in your journal ask, “How are you, really?”
and ask the question with sincerity and true care, like you would to your best friend. and then answer with as much honesty as you can, like you would hope your best friend would.
if you’ve been feeling this—the distance from yourself, the pressure, the quiet kind of exhaustion that doesn’t always have a name… i made something for you.
a gentle, 7-day self love practice. not to fix you, but to help you gently come back to yourself. it’s a space you can move through slowly, with journal prompts, small rituals, and moments that ask you to be a little softer, a little more honest, a little more on your own side. if you’re ready to take the next step, you can explore it here:
from my heart to yours,
Rhiana Meri
✧.* a lil’ note before you go:
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if you’re curious to join, you can do so here. and if you’re already a member, thank you from the bottom of my heart, your presence in this space truly means the world.
