there is no such thing as having it all figured out

so you might as well let it all unfold

in the past month, I have celebrated multiple accomplishments. some of them are dreams I have held in my heart for a decade, others are things I never thought I would even want to do. I reached 15,000 subscribers on substack, an accomplishment that feels like something I have worked towards for the past 10 years but could never imagine how that wish in my heart would come to be. I graduated college with a degree in psychology, an accomplishment that I never thought I would care to have, I have always believed in blazing your own path, and I didn’t go to college until I was 24— until I felt I truly knew what I wanted out of it. And just a few days ago, I announced that my first book, a beautiful guided self love journal, is now published and released. This one is a dream I’ve had since as long as I can remember, and as much as I am beaming, I also feel like I cant even comprehend that I actually have done it. that after years of saying, “one day I want to make a guided journal so that I can spread healing and help people learn to love themselves” turned into saying, “today is that someday.”

not too long ago, I remember crying regularly (especially during my luteal phase) about the fact that I had nothing tangible to show for myself. I am twenty-six years old and I have no obvious success, no numbers people can see as proof, no degree to hang up, no money to say “I have figured this life thing out.” these breakdowns would consist of turning down multiple walkways of emotions. on one road of thinking, I would remember that I spent my early twenties healing from childhood SA, drug addiction, and PTSD. there were countless nights where I was alone in my bedroom, just me and God and my inner child. I walked myself through each panic attack, I held myself when I woke up crying from ptsd. I nurtured myself back to life, determined to turn each scar into something beautiful and lovely. I was devoted to making it to the other side, I was unwilling to let anything get in my way. I was going to heal, I was going to recover, and I was going to make it to the other side.

when I was 11 years old, I started a YouTube channel called pinkandsparkles101, and I made videos about makeup fashion and hair. it was this unbelievably stark dichotomy— a bright, tween-age, sparkly channel, filmed in the moments I had between abuse, slamming doors, and days without food. I started making advice videos when I was about 13, and I would make videos for each school year after I went through it, helping other people “get through 7th grade,” and when I was 18 I started a self love coaching business. and I shared everything I knew up to that point. I shared my journey of healing, of finding myself, and I helped women from all over the world.

but there was more work to do, and I was about to walk into one of the hardest seasons of my life— the most excruciating heartbreak, coupled with a resurgence of memories of childhood sexual abuse. the unfolding, the breaking, the therapy, the work, all of it would take everything I had in me for the next few years of my life.

and during all of those years of walking in the shadows of darkness, a seemingly endless dark night of the soul— I was developing. I was becoming. I was saving myself. I was finding the maps to healing, to finding deep self love, to overcoming codependency, to healing from narcissistic abuse, to healing from sexual abuse. I was inside of the exact experience, the exact time period, the heartbreaks, that led to me being able to write for 15,000 people, or wanting a degree in psychology, or becoming an author of a book that helps people.

at the time, people my age were in college, in dorms, doing drugs, having sex. and when they finished school and went into their careers, I had made it to the other side of the valley of shadow and death. and I had absolutely nothing to show for it. they had masters degrees, well-paying careers, apartments, and more. and I had something that couldn’t be quantified, that couldn’t be posted on instagram. and I knew that it mattered, I knew that it held weight, but I couldn’t shake the sadness that there was no way to display it, and that in terms of regular life, I didn’t have the car, or the career, or the degree, or the money.

but what I did have, was my life back.

a life that was destined to be taken from me, from before I could even speak words. a life that something dark tried to steal. a life that would take every single ounce of courage, sacrifice, and fight that I had within me. suicide wanted me, drug addiction wanted me, abusive men wanted me.

so I had to want me, more.

I had to want life for myself.

I had to want health for myself.

I had to want safety for myself.

and I am telling you, all I ever did, was keep going. I could feel that God had a pathway laid out for me, and I understood that faith is most often blind. I knew that “becoming” included 95% of my growth going unseen. I knew that the pathway I took was worth it, even if I had no statistics to tell me just how worth it.

and guess what? I am in the bliss of the early days of my first book being out in the world, now holding a college degree, and writing for a large online community… and I am still scrounging together how I will make my car payment. I still live at home, gas is $7, and I have no idea where I am going next.

and I still have absolutely nothing figured out.

so, I will do what I always do. and I will let it all unfold.

and I hope that you will give yourself the same permission— to not know where you are going, to not map out every single specific detail. I hope that you will sit with yourself for a moment, and be genuinely proud of all that you have made it through. I hope that you know it has all been worth it, none of it will go to waste, and that even when you can’t see anything but darkness, the sun will always come up. and the birds will chirp. and the trees will sway in the wind. and you will be okay.

because your path is your own— and nobody can tell you any differently. because they are on their own path as well.

keep going. I love you.

from my heart to yours,

Rhiana Meri

if you’ve found comfort, inspiration, or a little bit of magic here at The Fairy & The Moon, you might love my debut guided journal, Becoming Your Own Bestfriend.

It's a soft place to land — a beautiful safe space for reflection, healing, and self discovery. Filled with thoughtful prompts and gentle guidance, it's designed to help you slow down, turn inward, and build a deeper relationship with yourself, one page at a time.

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