my childhood was a dichotomy split right between heaven and hell

a story of childhood whimsy, trauma, and recovery from abuse. and a story of healing by way of facing the truth.

me and my sweet nana, happy as can be

I had a childhood that was equal parts magical and beautiful, but also dark and chaotic. its an interesting dichotomy to sit with, because there are as many fond, precious, memories as there are painful, gut-wrenching, traumatic memories.

In my childhood, magic and wonder and whimsy abounded in great proportions. I was always swept up by deep, joyful, feminine women. my nana would sing songs about fairies to me out in her yard, my mama’s best friends would take me on excursions to try on heels and get my ears pierced, I was in plays from a young age— surrounded by creativity and making magic happen. my mama was definitely my nana’s daughter, and she had (and still has) an impressive, innate ability to pull love, whimsy, and wonder, out of the darkest days.

me and my heaven-sent mama.

my mom would always take paper, and cut it into hearts. she would write meaningful notes in colorful felt pen, in her signature cursive, and stick it into my lunch.

she found time to do this between the hours of being consistently, and horrifically abused by my father.

my mom would cook the most beautiful home cooked meals, taking unlikely ingredients and making the type of food that you forever try to recreate in your own adulthood.

somehow she did this, even through financial abuse from my father that left her with nothing to spare.

my mom would always wake us up on time, with croissants or breakfast sandwiches, with a soft voice, and a sweet welcome into the day.

somehow she did this without fail—after sleepless nights, staying up with my drugged out, psychotic dad.

nobody told me these things— I just witnessed them.

I could hear from the safety of my polkadot and pink themed room, my dad screaming and crying. I watched him run around the house in a psychotic break, refusing to go to rehab. I was there, when the cops stopped him because he had stolen someone’s handicap card. I was there, in the backseat, when he drove blacked out to pick up drugs. I was there, in the bed, when he would come in quietly late at night.

And I was there, the next morning, for my mom’s freshly squeezed orange juice, warm hugs, and lunches packed with heart notes.

and its interesting, because neither realities were ever truly overshadowed. the efforts of the healthy, truly-good hearted adults around me, absolutely did sink in. they made their way into my nervous system like a balm to the trauma I would one day have no choice but to face.

this is not a story of adults who swept things under the rug, and kept up appearances.

the darkness in that very same childhood of mine was sinister, secretive, and bread on lies. it was manipulative, and intelligent, calculated, and covert.

it crawled through small corners, taking what it wanted, before the sun came up.

and it continued to exist, thrive, and fester, utilizing the empathy and sincerity in everybody else.

the empathy was true, the sincerity was true, the good-natured-hearts, were true. everything else— was mold that had an unprecedented ability to convince you it was still safe to eat.

—

lil’ me

when you live in two distinct realities, a day will come, when you are asked to sit with them in their entirety.

and for me, I was twenty years old, when every truth, every secret, every single thing, came up to the forefront of my consciousness.

it wasn’t so much that I was ready, as much as it was that I chose to be ready. a fierce bravery came from within me, and I thought of the little girl within me, who was abused by way of lies and deceit, and a fierce protection rose up from deep inside of me.

and I knew, that the most powerful, live saving, transformative thing that I could do, was to bring the truth right into the light.

and I faced it all, right then and there.

and then I broke.

I broke for two years.

into a bunch of tiny little pieces.

I unraveled at the seams.

I lost everything I thought I knew, the rug pulled from underneath my feet, my sense of safety completely shattered, my nervous system deteriorated, my physical health in shambles.

and I wept, and broke, and shattered in my nana’s bed.

and she sang me songs about fairies.

and she looked me in the eyes, and she said, I believe you.

and I shook in a newfound chronic terror, in my moms arms.

and she hugged me tight.

and she looked me in the eyes, and she said, I love you.

and I processed, and unraveled, with my beautiful therapist.

and she gave me tools for healing.

and she looked me in the eyes, and she said, I see you.

and in the very same way I made it through my childhood— the empathy, wisdom, and safety around me, seeped in.

in acted like a balm to the trauma, and although nothing seemed to change day-to-day, I was on my way to one day being able to sit here with you, and tell you the story from the light at the end of the tunnel.

the only difference this time? the dichotomy was no longer split. it had come back together, because of truth.

to me, this is the meaning of, “the truth will set you free”.

and I stitched myself back together at the seams, through the incredible, powerful, medicine that is truth.

and I dont live split in two worlds any longer.

I live in a world that reflects healing, empathy, health, safety, and magic.

I love you.

from my heart to yours,

Rhiana Meri

---

come practice feeling alive again, reclaiming whimsy, and living in truth that feels like a balm, in our August Self Love Practice.

August Self Love Practice: Feeling Alive Again

---

Read My Book

if you’ve found comfort, inspiration, or a little bit of magic here at The Fairy & The Moon, you might love my debut guided journal, Becoming Your Own Bestfriend.

It's a soft place to land — a beautiful space for reflection, healing, and self-discovery. Filled with thoughtful prompts and gentle guidance, it's designed to help you slow down, turn inward, and build a deeper relationship with yourself, one page at a time.

and hi, i’m Rhiana ♡

I created The Fairy & The Moon from my own long journey of learning how to love, trust, and return to myself. Because I know how confusing and unreachable self love can feel, I wanted to share the lessons that changed my life and make them feel tangible for others.

Lessons in Self Love is the space where I offer a gentle guiding hand, helping you bring self love beyond just an idea and into the way you actually live.

Here is what lives inside the paid space each month:

🌙 The Monthly Self-Love Practice: helps you explore one meaningful theme through guided reflection, real-life practice, self-love dates, and little acts of devotion.

📓 The Monthly Guided Journal Deep Dive: A thoughtful collection of intentional journal prompts to help you explore one part of your inner life, uncover what is beneath the surface, and understand yourself more deeply.

🕯 The Mid-Month Return: A gentle letter from me in the middle of each month, helping you reconnect with yourself, return to the month’s practice, and begin again without shame or pressure.

✧ Plus seasonal Self-Love Care Packages, occasional surprise letters, and immediate access to the complete Lessons in Self Love library.

It is a steady monthly rhythm of reflection, practice, and return—created to help you build a real, loving, and trustworthy relationship with yourself.

And if you decide to join us, thank you, genuinely. It means so much to be trusted as a small part of your journey home to yourself. ♡

You can explore everything waiting inside Lessons in Self Love here, or join us to receive the next private letter in your inbox. 💌