the cost of being everyone's safe place

on parentified children, the ache of the eldest daughter, and healing people-pleasing

i grabbed both of my little brothers in each of my arms, and spun them around so they’d feel like what i was doing was fun. i ran them upstairs and brought them into my bedroom and i closed the door. i took my computer and put on disney channel faster than you can say disney channel, and i turned the volume all the way up to drown out the noise from beyond the door.

they were confused, and scared, but i knew that they felt safe with me.

they felt safe with me. and in that moment, I was everything I had never received. because I knew how to survive the chaos — I’d been doing it alone for years.

i was no stranger to closing the door, escaping to somewhere in my mind, and drowing out the noise.

only i usually did it alone, with only myself by my side.

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in my childhood, i was surrounded by adult themes that i could not run away from. the themes of drug addiction, abuse, depression, and poverty seeped into my veins and made their way to my nervous system. they carved homes within my DNA and before I could read, I learned how to survive.

i could not read words but i could read micro-expressions.

i could not read words but i could map the sounds of footsteps and who they belonged to.

i could not read words but i could read tones of voice.

i could not read words but i could read when the next catastrophe would be coming.

before I could read a single word on a page, I had already memorized the language of survival.

i could not read words but i could make sure i skipped over the pages that felt calm and safe, because i knew it wouldn’t be long before the next chapter of destruction—and there was no use in temporary enjoyment.

and now, decades later, i catastrophize

my cortisol levels are high

my capacity for trust is next to nothing

i am diagnosed with anxiety, panic, depression, and PTSD

and none of it began with me.

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The Cost of Being Everyone’s Safe Place

when you grow up in an environment where you are forced to grow up quickly (in whatever way that occurs), the impact will follow you into your adolescent and adult years. the anxiety you feel, the depression you harbor, is proof of what you were forced to endure much too young.

it is not your fault that you struggle to trust others, but everyone trusts you.

it is not your fault that you don’t feel safe anywhere, but everyone feels safe with you.

it is who you had to become to survive.

and what a badass you are- to become a safe haven for others, despite what happened to you.

but over here, we heal. because the abuse inflicted on us by others is not ours to carry, however it is ours to heal. you deserve a life of safety, you deserve to feel comforted, you deserve to trust the magical unfolding of your life.

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♡ a soft invitation

If your heart is craving a place to keep practicing this, Lessons in Self Love includes a Monthly Self-Love Practice for paid subscribers. Each month, we move through one theme slowly, with guided reflection, journaling prompts, and gentle self-love work.

July’s practice is Coming Home to Yourself. You can join us here & unlock your first post for free!:

July Self Love Practice: Coming Home to Yourself

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Take Your Power Back

i absolutely had to learn how to say no. i had to become radical about putting myself first. i had to dive inward on a journey of self love. to locate the wounds, release them, and choose to live in a very different way. and by doing this, i wrote an entirely new story for myself. the first one doesn’t go away, it just becomes book one.

1. your feelings matter.

sounds simple, but not when you’ve been accustomed to caretaking everyone else’s emotions. carve out ample space for you to feel, release, cry, be mad, get messy, be irritated, express sadness. let it out, give it room to breathe and hold space for yourself the same way you do for others.

2. basics first.

before you go save the world, have you had a shower? have you had water? have you eaten a meal? have you spent time outside? have you checked in with yourself?

it is a brave act of self love to meet your own basic needs before tending to anyone else’s.

3. get rid of the energy drainers

stop pouring into people who have no capacity to love you back, and are comfortable with endlessly taking from you.

its wasted space.

4. prioritize the relationships that make you feel safe, alive, and loved.

i know you’re an incredible friend and partner. of course you are. but you absolutely deserve to have that too. it does not have to be you or them.

5. stop accepting less than you deserve

unconditional love is not letting people treat you however they please and getting to stay in your life, enjoying the benefits of your love.

6. reparent yourself in small ways

do the things for yourself that no one did for you as a child. make your bed feel safe and cozy, keep snacks you love in the cupboard, light a nightlight, buy yourself school supplies just because. little gestures remind your nervous system: I’ve got you now.

7. learn to sit in stillness

parentified children often feel unsafe when things are calm (waiting for the next storm). practice moments of stillness — sit outside for 5 minutes, journal without music, or breathe before bed.

teach yourself that calm is not danger, calm is safe, and you deserve to bask in it.

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i am still the safe friend to this day

but… i am my own bestfriend first and foremost.

i care for myself with patience, gentleness, and devotion.

i trust people, and i allow them to love me.

self love only offers you more, instead of less.

from my heart to yours,

Rhiana Meri

if you’ve found comfort, inspiration, or a little bit of magic here at The Fairy & The Moon, you might love my debut guided journal, Becoming Your Own Bestfriend.

It's a soft place to land — a beautiful space for reflection, healing, and self-discovery. Filled with thoughtful prompts and gentle guidance, it's designed to help you slow down, turn inward, and build a deeper relationship with yourself, one page at a time.