the right person will never leave you confused

on codependency, self love, heartbreak, and why we think love has to be a struggle

TW: mild mention of childhood SA (skip to the section titled: “this is not what love should be”)

i was once a very young girl, with a curious and empathetic nature. something was amiss in my parents and i could not quite pinpoint it- but i could feel it. oh, how i could feel it. i would call it the “something’s not right feeling” and it layed deep in my gut. it tugged on me and pulled on me.

many things in my childhood were incredibly confusing, and most of them have taken me an entire lifetime of being dedicated to healing.

one of the most confusing things of all was the concept of love. love was natural to me, it was easy for me, my capacity for love always felt much larger and bigger than my tiny body. i loved many things, i loved humanity, and i loved with a reverberating passion and dedication.

my dad would always tell me he loved me.

and subsequently he would leave.

on drug-fueled runs that drained our family’s already low bank account.

he would dissapear even when he was standing right there.

the light would leave his eyes and an odd, insidious blackness would replace his green eyes.

my dad would always tell me he loved me.

and many times he would do it with a kiss.

one that lasted much too long.

when i was much too old.

he would come into my room late at night, with a stash of candy.

a bribe, a coaxing, not far from the archetype of the kidnapper who offers you candy.

he would tell me to keep our little secret.

and then, he would tell me he loved me.

but that never quite made sense to me.

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this is not what love should be.

they say they love me, so why do they leave?

i know they love me, so why did they hurt me?

they told me they love me, so why do i feel so unloved? why do i feel worthless? why do they make me feel filled head to toe with shame?

does he love me? does he love me not?

the experience of being confused by the concept of love followed me through the relationships of my adolescent and early adult years. stories of being told i was loved, yet treated like i was not, became a constant theme that i figured would always stay with me.

i could not shake the part of me that loved so deeply i would follow love wherever i sensed it. i would dive deep into the waters that were meant to carry me to the land of love, but i always forgot that i did not know how to swim.

and the promise of the land of love seemed to always leave me stranded at sea. vulnerable, naked, and afraid. surrounded by sharks, and storms, and the dark underbelly of the ocean. alone, and without a boat, or a plane, or a view of safe land.

the thing was, this fight, this struggle— it was familiar to me. it was comfortable to me. it was my comfortable hell, although a soft and quiet part of me dreamed of an unfamiliar haven.

i was familiar with thrashing, and drowing, and screaming, and survival when it came to love. love is so incredibly worth it and so profound that it must take a struggle that equals its reward. it is a mountain to climb and a fight to conquer, and that is quite all right. i had never known anything different.

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what a surprise it was to me to discover that love included no struggle, no drowning, no thrashing, no crying, and no screaming.

like waking up from years of brain wash and realizing- oh. woah. that was not love at all. i don’t know what any of that was. but it definitely was not love.

the right person will never, ever leave you feeling confused on where they stand with you. they will never have you wondering if they truly love you. they will NEVER have you pleading them to love you better, to treat you softer, to have integrity. you will not feel fear that catapults you into survival mode. you will not feel the looming, sinking, doom, that they may leave you. you will not cry on the kitchen floor in a puddle of shame, exhaustion, and heartache.

true, honest, healthy love does not feel like an endless cycle.

but addiction does.

you are not meant to feel hopeless and broken hoping, waiting, and wishing, for them to make you feel good again—to make you feel worthy again.

when someone shows you who they are- believe them. this does not mean all humans are not flawed— wired to make beautiful mistakes and navigate shortcomings. this does not mean we must manifest and craft a perfect partner that will never hurt us. they will. it is human nature. and we will hurt the right person too. but unconditional love will bloom in the dedication to your own journeys of self love. your equal ability to apologize, to take accountability, and to move forward. but it will not ask you to move forward from insidious betrayal. it will not ask you to make yourself smaller so that you might fit better. it will not confuse you. it will not leave you stranded at sea.

i write about the magnificent journey of self love. there was even a new classification created by Dr. Ross Rosenburg, called “self love deficit disorder” he proposes this as the new term for codependency. that SLDD replaces ‘codependency’ with a term that highlights the core shame that perpetuates it, as well as the solution to it.

this has been my life’s work for many years. but i would like to make this very clear:

there is no work you need to do to become loveable.

there is not an exhaustive list of things you must check off to be deemed valuable enough to be treated with kindness, respect, and care.

the healing journey that is self love will only make this clearer to you, and more deeply ingrained in your being. but at the end of the day, you deserve true, deep, harmonious, and integrous love- at all times.

love is not a reward. it is a birthright.

but you are a valuable, precious, thing. and you deserve to place yourself in safe hands.

start with yourself. start with being your own safe hands. become devoted to unconditionally loving yourself. dive deep into yourself. create calm waters that flow like a beautiful, sparkling river. plant seeds in your subconscious and watch as they grow, and bloom, and flourish. pour into you.

and when the right love comes-

it will fit right into this calm, flowing, river.

and you will know.

and you will not be confused.

from my heart to yours,

Rhiana Meri

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